My Journey

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who put on a few pounds more than the average girl her age, causing taunting and insults to be hurled her way. She also developed a littler earlier than most which created curiosity and more ridicule.  Feeling different, she internalized it as somehow being imperfect, deformed, and less than accepted in the world of super skinny little girls with board flat chests. This was the beginning of her body self-hatred and a 40 year battle with weight loss.

But seriously y’all, it’s amazing the power we give others to define who we are or how we feel about ourselves. It seems the more people realize how to pick at the most painful and sensitive parts of you, the more weapons they have at their disposal to hurt you. I’ll never understand the need for some to do exactly this, but it happens all the same. And it most definitely happened to me. It wasn’t always outright meanness, but sometimes in the form of “harmless” teasing. Even from my own family. And the most ridiculous part was that I wasn’t fat at that point. Okay, I had large breasts. Apparently that equals fat.

By the time I was 16, I was a full-fledged anorexic and eventually a bulimic as well. At the end of my junior year, I weighed a whopping 98 lbs. Even at 5’2″, I can’t imagine that now. Pretty sure I’d have to lose an arm or leg in order to weigh that at this point. Luckily, my boyfriend (husband now) found out and forced me to stop under the threat of revealing all to my mom which would have been an extremely ugly and shameful event. I recovered and ended up gaining back to probably where I should have been in the first place…for a while.

In my twenties, I started gaining more and more weight. After having kids, I gained even more. It got to the point to where I was embarrassed to be seen in public, so I tended to stay home, almost living like a recluse with the exception of my 2 small children and husband. I couldn’t look in the mirror without crying and avoided it as much as possible. Until recently, my poor husband wasn’t allowed to see me naked in over 20 years. True story.

I felt like my mind was in a battle with my body and my body was the enemy. Yes, the enemy. I wanted to hurt it. Make it pay for not cooperating. And that I did. I hated photos of me even more than the mirror.

I was jealous of every single skinny person in existence and part of me even hated them. Every piece of food I put in my mouth made me feel guilty. I knew I didn’t deserve to eat. I shouldn’t be eating. I hid behind huge clothes, thinking it camouflaged my fat. I felt no need to look decent because to me it was like putting lipstick on a pig. No point. I remember a particularly painful memory where my husband and kids got me a beautiful necklace. Instead of being happy, I told my husband to take it back. I saw no need to spend so much money on something I wouldn’t wear. Needless to say, I hurt them by saying this. That wasn’t my intention. It had everything to do with the self-loathing I felt for myself and the fact I didn’t deserve it, not the gift or sentiment behind it. To this day, I feel horrible about that.

I became extremely depressed and gained even more. I’m guessing at my heaviest I was around 240 lbs. I don’t know for sure because I could not force myself to get on a scale.

Well, eventually as one could predict, I had a pretty good health scare. My blood pressure went through the roof and I thought at one point I was having a heart attack. I refused to go to the doctor because I didn’t want to know the truth. I even hid it from my husband and that was super hard.

I had always been super healthy and couldn’t come to terms with the fact that my obesity was affecting my health. It got to the point that it was so bad that I would have to rest for an hour after changing the kitty litter! Seriously, y’all, the kitty litter.

Finally, I had no choice but go to the doctor. Good gaaaaaa! It was bad. After taking my blood pressure, I was hooked up to an EKG machine and given blood pressure meds with the warning of being admitted to the hospital if it didn’t drastically go down. Thankfully, it was lowered enough that I could go home. BUT, I had to go visit a cardiologist. Yay! Fun. I was put on 3 different medicines. Ugh! Hello reality. Time to get my butt in gear. And I did, losing 90 lbs! Yay me. I was able to get off one medicine.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, I gained a good 70 lbs back shortly after. The cycle continued. Since then, I’ve lost and gained several times, but thankfully never reaching my highest weight. Each time I was able to get back on track before reaching the highest of that cycle of weight loss. But the point is that the so-called “diets” weren’t sustainable. In the back of my mind, I knew it. I tried to lie to myself, but deep down, I knew it. It was inevitable that I’d pack on the pounds again.

So, the last weight loss (before discovering keto), I even started a blog. I thought maybe it would help me stay accountable. I knew that maintenance was my struggle, not weight loss. Yeah, the blog was a complete failure. I didn’t have a focus and perhaps I also knew that the whole eat less, move more, lower fat intake, and increased carbs was complete BS.

See, I grew up during the time when we were advised by just about everyone from doctors to the government that the way to good health and a slimmer body was to “eat less and move more” and “eat less fat and more carbs.” Oh wait, that’s still the mainstream belief that’s repeated and encouraged to this day!

And how has that worked out?? Let’s see…more diabetes, more cardiovascular disease, more inflammatory and immune diseases, and more obesity to name a few. Yeah, seems like this advice is working out well for us. Well, it didn’t work for me and it hasn’t worked for most of us.  

I’ve struggled with food and weight since I was 10 years old. That means I’ve been dieting for more than 40 years, following these guidelines. One diet after another. I’ve pretty much done them all from Weight Watchers to medically supervised diets. Not to mention diet pills and potions. And exercising up to 5 hours a day. Never had an issue losing weight. Nope. I’m super committed (okay, my family calls it extreme OCDness) once I make up my mind. And then…the weight would come back, sometimes with a vengeance. Let’s get real. Low calorie, low-fat diets are miserable. Plain and simple. Not sustainable because, well, they suck.

I kept doing the same basic things over and over, cutting back on calories quite a bit (it’s ALL about the caloric deficit, right?), eating tasteless low-fat, boring “diet” food, and exercising until I dropped–only to gain it back. Ugh! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Apparently I, along with most of the population, was insane.

Until I stumbled across Keto. 

More healthy fat and real foods? Why, yes! Who would have thunk it that fat made food taste so darn good? Eating low/no fat foods for so long, I really had no idea. I’ve seriously rediscovered food. A-mazing.

I started my keto journey on June 12, 2017. I’ve lost 62 lbs, and I’ve gone from a size 14/16 to a 0/2. 120 lbs since my heaviest known weight and down from a size 24. That’s a whole other one of me! Holy cowabunga. That’s some serious poundage.

This past year has been a very eye-opening journey. Learning more about my body and how it works has really changed my attitude.  I no longer have to play hide and seek ninja whenever a camera comes out.

I only have a few more pounds until I reach my ultimate dream weight. I no longer fear regaining the weight because there is nothing unsustainable about my new way of eating, so I will continue to live the ketogenic lifestyle. I love the food I choose to eat, and I’ve found substitutions for almost everything I’ve wanted. I miss nothing from my former diet. Okay, maybe Chuy’s Mexican martinis (although my hubby makes a great keto version).

And the best part of keto for me is that food no longer has control over me. This is not a “diet” with an ending once I reach my goal. This is a life I am happy to live forever. Keto has literally saved my life emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I’ve done a lot of research, watched videos, and have read every book about keto I could get my hands on this past year. I’ve learned a ton. Between that and personally benefiting from keto, I want everyone to know what I’ve learned and experience what I have. I want to shout it from the rooftops that keto exists and that it’s so much better than the crappy and miserable low fat/low calorie “diets” we’re still told to follow thanks to big pharma, the food industry, and the government! Money is a  great influencer!

I feel motivated to help others on their journey to living a healthier life free of food addiction and deprivation. A way of eating that can be sustained for a lifetime! I hope you will stick around and join the journey to a better life.